Journals of Hope


"Being Real"
I am freaking done with living here... The worst experiences of my life
throwing up at the toilet… 5 times over eating and stuffing my face 
until I feel disgusting…what the F***** is wrong with me. I am so angry. 

How does this happen. I am desperate to be rid of this chaos!!!!I know 
it's not just because of this place, but obviously it's a big part of it. 
Am i so weak??? It's just depressing to my soul that I could fall so 
short, that I could literally fall to the pit of hell ignoring my 
conscience and what I know is right to disengage,to abuse,and misuse 
grace to justify my actions. To do what I want to do rather than fight 
the battle. I instead take the other side and now all I feel is nothingness to the degree of self pity and shame,yet somehow I'm not as
bad off as one might think. The emptiness in my stomach gives me a sense 
of accomplishment. Oh the irony! It's frightening really. How can it turn 
so ugly so quickly without anyone even knowing except for you and somehow 
You still love me. 
You didn't want this for me tonight. You didn't plan for me to binge
out meaninglessly that's not Your character. I was overcompensating for 
the fact that my flesh was in tension already. Sleep would have been the 
been coping mechanism,but i didn't want that. I didn't want wisdom. I 
didn't want to resist temptation. I wanted to satisfy my longing for 
pleasure and then even in that, I still wasn't satisfied,and then I wasn't 
happy with myself anyway. So i figured the easiest way was to make myself 
feel…feel anything… feel good about eating so much,feel bad about eating so much,feel the control to be able to erase my mistakes by throwing up every bit of disgusting food I put into my 
stomach. It can all just be gone soon. Anyway, let's just stuff more down 
our throat. My fingers will do the trick. It's some type of magic,,,,not 
even knowing really if the calories make a difference. Like in reality if 
the food is in and then right back out, is there an exchange of energy?? 
Does the transference of the food particles do anything? And then, of
course, there's the unfortunate situation that throwing up causes all 
sorts of issues,,,we all know the deal,yet somehow in that moment, it 
doesn't matter…because by then I have already made the choice, my choice.
 A choice that says, "I'm above the truth." A choice that says, "I won't 
submit." A choice that says, "I will do what I want." A choice that 
redefines my reality..this choice is evil, self- destructive, and deadly. 
It starts with the simple desire for some ice cream. It'll be fun, let's 
just do it in secret. It doesn't make a difference, but the first sign is 
already there...fear. Fear of being seen,fear of being judged. So then why 
don't I just stop here? Because I believe somehow that I'll be strong 
enough to control myself. But ice cream needs a cone, and sprinkles…and 
then it's not satisfying enough,so we need the other flavor...and this 
flavor has even worse ingredients and is more calories...which means, we 
are definitely not going back…let the games begin. Guilt slowly starts to 
rise… but there's a greater feeling already in action called pleasure. 
The pleasure outweighs the guilt… then the justification comes in: well 
I'm just a little girl anyway, so God will protect me. Meanwhile, the 
battle is raging. I think about what it would be like to call on someone 
for help, but I won't be able to finish what I started. At this point, the 
cereal has come out and with 3 bowls scarfed down, I have to be dedicated 
to throwing it all up because that is way too many calories to have...
already feeling sick anyway…another bowl or 3 will do...but a couple 
crackers really tip the jar. 

I can tell at this point I'm hearing the voices, of reason. The voices 
that are mocking me that are telling me that I don't hear God. Then I get 
angry. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!!!!! Yelling in frustration, I throw down my bowl. An utter 15 minutes of stillness feels like an hour…who knows how long it really was 
though,yeah, so I basically can't move. I only have about 4 options…get 
into bed,stand up,stay sitting, eat,or throw up. Okay, so there's a lot 
of options,but for me there's 2....throw up or keep eating. I decide to 
throw up because I don't want to keep doing this,but I'm being pulled the 
other way,and now I know that God is fighting for me. But it's too late. 
I pull my hair back and sweats on, I attempt it in one sitting...coughing 
up a small amount, the toilet faces me in a stare down. I see the Lion in 
my own vomit. It grips me with courageous love but,I wrestle,I grip the 
toilet. I grip the desire I have to just keep going,but I'm jolted by 
my Maker to STOP. I stare and I whimper. I hear the battle ragin' around 
me. HOW DO YOU LOVE ME…I just don't understand.

I go back to my sorrow…Well, I don;t have to live this way. Somehow I 
manage to say I'm going to enjoy this cereal…sounds right??
WRONG! That's not even an option at this point. Enjoyment of cereal?? 
Another 4 bowls and next thing I know I'm dipping my hands back in the 
crackers, devising another scheme about what I can eat, because again, 
it's in my control. I had deliberately decided that I wouldn't throw up. 
So now I have to make myself feel sick enough…And I do just about that 
because, if nothing else, my guilt and anguish of the food will flee. 
Another hour later and about 25 throw ups, and my stomach is just about 
empty of all the yucky foods I forced myself into. Yay. Well that was a 
fail and now I really don't have a clue where to go from here, except
running into my Pap's arms. Am I the only one in this world who's super 
messed up and under qualified? (which is of course, my own evaluation) 
So I'm still not out of this battle…..the struggle is real. This was the 
5th time and I'm not proud of it, but I'm not alarmed because God is on 
my side.